I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.