No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage