Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.