All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON