[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
quarantine day 3
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?