I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
You Might Also Like
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies