I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon