My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection