Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
You Might Also Like
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Terribly Tuesday.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.