*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!