Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Pretty much. 🤣
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes