Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Breaking news:
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that