Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Oh deer
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.