boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.