Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I unironically love this joke.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana