Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You Might Also Like
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup