i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
even bears disappoint their mothers
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?