every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Don’t make me out nice you.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.