ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.