*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Webb. James Webb.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea