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You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A short story about romance.