Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
pictures of spider-man
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Please do it!
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.