According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.