Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.