It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed