How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Guys, I found it.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.