Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Lmao
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”