i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You Might Also Like
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”