Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
yeah 😭
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.