If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
You Might Also Like
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I will never stop laughing at this
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.