Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re