Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Why font matters.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.