fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Snapes on a plane.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
omg leave her alone
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.