I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
he chose this
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?