At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high