[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
How it started: How it’s going:
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.