You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send