Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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Are you ok, human???
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Would you wear it?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.