– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations