*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me