wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
asking santa clause for nudes
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me driving through Toronto
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.