Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
LOOOOOOL
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy