People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
next question.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*