People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot