Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Mistakes were made
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.