[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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Catercrombie & Fish
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
accurate
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
remember
only for emergencies
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd