My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.