[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama