Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Smallpox sounds so adorable
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!