Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
when someone compliments me
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.